Correct answer, Wayne.

When Smith awoke Tuesday morning–presumably naked and trembling in a field, clutching a jandal that represented New Zealand and surrounded by scorch marks in the earth–he knew what to do. His 40 days in the desert had been condensed into one night in Waikato but he survived his inquest.

The former All Black says his decision to turn down England was mainly because of family but added that it would have been awkward coaching against New Zealand. Either way, its refreshing to see financial riches and blinding ambition lose out for once.

Everyone from the NZRU to Steve Hansen and Sky commentary has since been criticised for trying to emotionally blackmail Smith into staying. Tew got in trouble for saying the All Black assistant of 8 years had a lot of intellectual property (even though he also said the national body would respect Smith’s decision, whatever it was) and Hansen was criticised for saying Wayne “had black in his veins”.

A Sky commentator (I never did hear who it was) also reportedly said he’d think less of Wayne if he went. Cue outrage from the UK Telegraph’s Paul Rees, “Wellington’s” Mark Reason, and their respective readers, who all felt that was petty.

Since when did it become so un-PC to appeal to someone’s sense of loyalty? It’s a value system, just like dollars and cents. Presumably England’s offer centered around a lot of those and no one’s calling that bribery.

Simply put, international rugby is not a purely professional pursuit. If it were, it would be the Heineken Cup. Success in pro club competitions is essentially a by-product of a business plan. A bunch of players and coaches form a strategic partnership to further their individual careers and sometimes, by happy coincidence, they win. A lot of people really like that model but it doesn’t quite stir the tribal heart. That’s where international sport comes in.

To that end, most kiwis have a pretty straightforward philosophy. If you need help, take all the kiwi coaching you can get. If you’re good, we’ll fight you. Simple as. Our collective reluctance to see Smith go abroad to try and destroy the All Blacks seemed fairly understandable to me.

Now he’s chosen not to, we need to find a job befitting of the man. Because right now, he’s the most overqualified assistant coach in New Zealand. Now if only there was a rank underperformer amongst our Super Rugby programs that could use the wise counsel and proven track record of a rugby visionary…

It used to be that New Zealand rugby wasn’t strong unless Auckland was strong. When we last won a world cup, 14 of the 15 All Blacks could have walked to the Eden Park final from their homes. In Barter Bullets, presumably.

But that was a much simpler age. I mean there were twice as many Germanys back then but most other things were less complicated. Fast forward 24 years and there’s every chance that a failing Auckland is actually a good thing.

The Blues’ unimaginative policy of recruiting incumbent All Blacks means they’re stacked with 2011 world cup winners. That leaves four whole other teams in charge of 2012-2015.

Of course many Blues veterans will probably hit their stride once they’re inevitably grandfathered into the national side this year. And many of the kids from other Super teams will likely underwhelm in their first test outings. But the circle of life is turning and it’s encouraging to see our young regional maggots cleaning up Auckland’s old bones so soon.

Weepu, Nonu, Mealamu and Williams might prefer a more dignified passing of the guard but these things are seldom pretty. When the alternative is what happened in 1991, I’ll take a rowdy, pants-down reverse-hazing any old day.

Of course the downside to the Blues malaise is that all the kids from the big smoke are buying Breakers’ singlets as we speak. And while we’ve learned to conquer the world without Auckland pitching in much, there’s no good reason why the All Blacks should keep fighting with one hand tied behind their back. It would also be nice to think our centre of commerce will fire a few more shots before rolling over and becoming a League town.

Regrettably, this year’s abject performances have probably defrayed all of the optimism and goodwill that hosting the world cup garnered for rugby up there. And given how expensive those hosting defibrillators are, we’re going to have to find a more modest way to rebuild Auckland’s love for the national game.

But that job belongs to the ARU and the Blues, who, incidentally, do everything modestly these days. Given the resources they can call on–financial and intellectual–I’ve no doubt they’ll figure it out. In the meantime, let’s just be glad their form is of relatively little concern to the All Blacks.

If I ever try to coach England, kill me.

I’ll go to hell, of course, no matter how apologetic the last rites. But spending eternity in a ruck, trapped against a ball that Sam Scott-Young is trying to get (which is what I imagine hell to be) is by far the lesser of two evils.

As a kiwi, England is white to my black. Don’t get me wrong, I love their pubs, good humour and inclement weather (it’s a Southland thing) but their national rugby side looks like the KKK with a corsage for a reason.

Besides which, there’s the small matter of our own side, which I’ve grown quite fond of. After years of virtual-coaching them, I feel somewhat invested in the All Blacks. Perfectly good weekends, for example, have been mothballed because of a poor result. When others have told me that was an overreaction, I consulted a little book with a coat of arms on the front that assured me it wasn’t. I may have played most of my rugby in other countries but my passport’s always made it easy to remember which one I support.

So then, what manner of perverse rationalizing was required for our own Wayne Smith to consider a switch to the light side? He actually coached the All Blacks. Twice. He played for them, too. Tana Umaga’s book explained how hard he took it when the boys lost under his charge, through 2000-2001.

On that evidence, you can’t question Smith’s love of kiwi rugby. But given that, how can he contemplate joining Lancaster’s staff? Go coach Scotland or Argentina, by all means. Even better if you help out Samoa, Fiji or Tonga. But the poms?

On the one hand, maybe there’s no place in world rugby where he can do less damage than as mentor of England’s attack. But on the other, imagine what the 6N runners-up could do with a functional back line.

Back in the aftermath of the 2011 tournament, reporters asked Smith if he would take another international post. Conscious that he knew the All Black playbook back to front, he said it probably wouldn’t be appropriate to go anywhere else for at least a couple of years. Yet if his recent meetings with Lancaster went well, he could be ensconced with one of our main rivals before the All Blacks play their first post-world cup game.

And sarcasm aside, they’re a rival who will likely figure as a contender come 2015. England have assembled a young, hard-working team that came within a whisker of winning Europe this year. Admittedly, the Six Nations was played in the fog of a world cup hangover–with lethargy from Wales and poor performances from France and Ireland–but there was still enough to suggest England’s arrow is pointed in the right direction.

We may have have no other recourse than to hope Wayne Smith was never that good of a coach. And come to think of it, I had a lot of those aforementioned mothballed weekends at the turn of the century, when he was at the All Black helm. Of his assistant coaching era, our backs looked more dangerous when Hansen took charge of attack at the end of 2009. Meanwhile our try-scoring dipped severely when the heat was on. We got just one meat pie in the last two rounds of the world cup, even though we made dozens of breaks against Australia and had France in trouble through most of the first half.

Is this working for any of you? Me neither. After all, he’s achieved a lot more with the Chiefs this year than the guy who’s replaced him in the national setup. I guess we’ll just have to go ahead and hope we put better players on the field than England. And in the meantime, if you need anyone to put down a puppy–or brother or sister, for that matter–call Wayne Smith, of Mercenary Heartless Bastards Incorporated.